Genuine listening takes concentration, inner quiet, humility, practice - and is therefore generally hard work.
In lieu of truely listening we could listen to respond, practice autobiographical listening, competitive listening, pretend listening or not listening at all i.e. interrupting, non-stop talking - having a monologue rather than a dialogue.
Listening to respond - I have an idea in mind. You go ahead and say what you like and then I'm going to say what I have in mind. Doesn't matter so much if it's related to what you just said.
Autobiographical listening - This is where you tell me something about yourself. Maybe you lost someone you cared for. Rather than listening, I'm thinking while you talk - how does that relate to me? Then when I get a chance to speak I say something like, "I know what you mean I lost my father when I was young...let me tell you about that."
Competitive listening - Related to autobiographical listening or listening to respond. You'll often see this in a group of experts. The goal is to listen and come up with a response that's most "expert" "smarter" or "wiser". Again not so much interested in what the speaker said, and building on it, or just listening..but in maintaining my expert status.
You'll also run into this in conversations where there is a power structure to be maintained. Possibly in a Manager/worker, Doctor/patient, Husband/wife, Teacher/student exchanges. Another name for this kind of listening might be "Mr. know-it-all" or "Ms. know-it-all"
Pretend listening - I look at you, maybe nod every so often, all the time thinking about what I'm going to have for lunch.
Not listening at all - At least this is honest. I either just ignore you or won't let you get a word in edgewise. I guess it's great if I have a speech or sermon, or an endless supply of fascinating stories...otherwise not usually too pleasant for the recipient.
I used to work with a guy who was a terrible listener and oddly enough a manager of people. I was in his office once talking and he turned around to read his email and said, "Go ahead and keep talking I'm listening."
Not...
You've probably seen this chart or something like it -
I've taken classes in listening, read, thought and wrote about listening. In the abstract it's all fine...it's when we get into the real world that it's a bear.
I was in a class once where a woman said being a good listener came naturally to her. She is very lucky. I think that is a rare, almost saintly, characteristic.
For most mortals genuine listening takes concentration, inner quiet, humility and practice.
Concentation - It's hard enough to concentrate on anything let alone a person speaking in a more or less intelligible way, with various sometimes mixed or mixed-up messages, maybe boring, maybe sad, maybe makes me angry. Learning to concentrate or getting to a point of being able to concentrate...very hard. But the next three things can help us to concentrate; inner quiet, humility and practice.
Inner quiet - Monks, bodhisattvas, meditators of all stripes work on finding inner quiet. Calming the mind to the point where we don't latch on to thoughts that constantly flow in our stream of consciousness. Many of these thoughts are fascinating or at least much more appealing that what we want to concentrate on in the moment. This is hard in a quiet space let alone with someone talking and you trying to listen. Most meditation involves some form of conscious breathing. For listening it can be as simple as taking a deep breath between the stimulus (what the person said) and your response. For more advanced practioners perhaps several deep breaths (don't hyperventilate though...becoming unconcious is not generally a sign of good listening ;-)
Humility - Another tough one. Especially when you're as smart as you and me. Seriously though...humility is so difficult. It takes inner strength, confidence in your self, and courage. You might not look so smart if you don't give advice, provide solutions, or illuminate the speaker with your illuminating knowledge of all things...I'm talking to myself as I write those words, since I see myself being a Mr. Know it All / Smartypants quite often.
Practice - This is easier if you can find a group of people who practice listening skills. If you find yourself in the fray of a group of non-listeners, practicing your listening skills takes some advanced skills. It can also be frustrating, since you may feel although a lot of words are flowing, not much is being communicated...on the positive side your presence may make a difference over time.
As we get to be better listeners we can hear (and also share) stories about life, love, loss, birth, rebirth, death, parents, spirituality, religion, sex, good people, bad people, beauty, ugliness, pain, joy, laughter, nature, children...and still keep in mind not every story has to be heavy, deep and real..we can share stories about fishing, parties, bumper stickers, TV shows, football games, food, lawn care, politics, pets...anything - and every so often, in between the lines, catch a glimpse of some thing truely meaningful - a fellow human being.
Listening, being present, is perhaps one of the greatest gifts we can give one another.
May you and I find inner peace so we can begin to hear the stories we all share.
