in the 70's to The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
in the 90's....and a whole slew of other works before, during and after that time.Books about how to be better.
My latest dip into the world of self-improvement is a class and book on how to think like Leonardo DaVinci (I have to add a small caveat - the books and class are free).
Lately I've been wondering a bit about the constant striving to be "better".
Is there a point where we are good enough? A point where we realize we are who we are and that really is okay?
I wouldn't want to promote the idea that stagnation and subsequently the decay of mental, physical, emotional capabilities would be okay. But at what point do we stop looking outside for the answers?
In some cases the answer would be never, if we look at the never ending stream of diet, exercise, psychological, personal and business; self-help / here's THE answer books and tools.
At some point theory has to become practice. At some point real interior work either at an individual or organizational level has to take place to effect change. Sometimes the books, videos, seminars and retreats take the place of real work and real change.
You see this at an individual level and at an organizational level.
A business takes on the "flavor of the month" from consultants - rolls it out - flows it down - grows it from the bottom up - embraces the new paradigm...for about a month or a couple of months, a year maybe, and then the new paradigm quietly fades into the background allowing a return to business as usual.
A person can do the same thing. I read a book on listening. It was all great. I went into the world and listened for about 5 minutes then went back to business as usual (interupting, furthering my agenda, listening to respond, auto-biographical listening, etc.).
So what's a person to do?
- Realize real change requires real work - really doing - experiential learning as they say - learning by doing. Not by reading, partcipating in seminars, retreats, putting up bulletin boards, preparing PowerPoint presentations, telling stories etc.
- Realize people/organizations by nature are lazy. We like to be comfortable and for the most part fear change. Change is hard, sad, inevitable; but we would prefer to not deal with change unless forced to. For an organization true change can come about if it becomes a do or die situation, assuming the organization has time left to change before the market kills it. The same if true for individuals, unless we have to change...we probably won't, which explains why some programs like Alcoholics Anonymous, are successful.
- Bottom line...you, your organization, probably aren't going to change, assuming you are not in a "change or die" situation. Whatever icing you put on that cake isn't really going to change what's underneath.
Yikes..That sounds really depressing. If you gave up on "change" ala self-help books, diet plans, New Year's resolutions, seminars, retreats...looking outside for answers, what would happen?
You'd be left with your self.
That's all there is. You. All alone. Nobody can change you...you can't change anyone else. One caveat on this - I'm talking about positive substantial changes. Constant immersion in a culture of violence or consumption changes us. Occasionally dipping into a self-help book, video, talk, seminar isn't going to reverse that.
There's hope though - you can change yourself if you want to.
You have to consume differently - surround yourself with books, people, music, TV, video, webs that further what you want to be. You see this happen all the time - people become what they consume. It can be violent, tragic, mean-spirited, conspiritorial, degrading, hateful, hate-filled...or just the opposite peaceful, hopeful, spirit-filled, open/trusting, loving.
It's your choice, but first you have to be mindful enough to know what it is that you consume and eventually what will consume you.
I remember reading about a tragic murder in our area years ago and wondering - "how can things come to this." It was a case of a high school student, who seemed like a pretty good kid. He hadn't been in trouble, was a good student, a pitcher on the baseball team and had friends. He lived with his dad. He was having a party at his dad's house and some other kids came by and started a fight. The son fired a rifle into the car as the kid's drove off killing several people.
I wondered what led to that event? I couldn't have been that the kids were having a party, everything was fine, and then the thought that shooting someone driving off in a car would be the right thing to do - came out of the blue. It had to be a progression of events, learning, consuming violence that led to this tragic event. It was a case of pre-meditation in the legal sense, since the son and father had gotten word that the kids who wanted to fight were going to show up and proceeded to set loaded weapons in strategic places. How could this thought process occur? If you had word that someone was going to come over to your house with the intention of fighting why not act as a peace-maker (if possible), talk with your son, the other kids, maybe even fight if that was all that you could do to protect yourself or your family. Why not call the police?
It turned out the dad was involved in using and selling drugs and apparently was stuck in some place that made him want to be a contemporary of his son and his son's friends. Not a good example, just one of the boys - and unfortunately a violent man.
The point being you wouldn't just wake up one day and decide to have a party, and oh by the way let's stash some loaded weapons around the house in case the kid's who want to fight show up.
If you ponder this for awhile you can see that's true for any type of aberrant, or abhorrent, behaviour. People don't wake up and decide to be pedophiles, murderers, rapists; there is some progression of events, life experiences, learning that leads them to where they are.
You have to feel compassion (I think) for those people who have no control over what shaped their lives.
Lucky for us we have lots of control over who we will be. We can choose who we will learn from, what we will watch, listen to and read.
From Paul's letter to the Philippians, Chapter 4 -
"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." (NIV)
The main point is that easy (or hard) self-help; books, programs, seminars, or videos, offer little in the way of real change, except possibly in cases where change is necessary to survive and even then these serve as window dressing to real change and learning - which comes from experience, careful consumption, immersion and doing.
A case could be made that endless seeking for self or organizational improvement is better than giving up to entropy and a gradual loss of skills and growth, or conversly from a negative standpoint, that seeking improvement replaces doing - leading to an endless cycle of "learning" that becomes meaningless outside of a practical real-world application.
No matter where you go, there you are. When you show up at work, to the class, for the meeting, to see the patient, friend, co-worker, client, teacher, student - you will be there (not the book, the video, the seminar). Just you.
At some point you have to trust that you is all that's needed.
Just be you.
No matter what you do, you'll be better off if you can do it with some humor and light-heartedness.
People will appreciate you and you'll enjoy life if you can laugh. Nothing in this life is so serious that you can't see the lighter side somewhere. Not saying you should wear wax lips to a state funeral...but you deserve to laugh. It's one of the few things that separates humans from animals - take advantage of it.
