Friday, March 01, 2019

No Cannibalism!

Finister Alcot III was elected President of the Middle States of America in 2072. Finister, himself the beneficiary of a multi-trillion dollar trust fund provided by his late father Finister II, ran on the campaign slogan, "What About Me?"

Fin's trust fund had been earned by the pater familias Finister I who made his fortune selling feline life insurance policies. Stories were told of Fin I threatening to kill old and confused people's kittens if they didn't pay up on their premiums.

Finister was a member of the brown eye party. He roused the rabble with stories of frightening, despicable, acts by their enemies in the blue eye party.

He gathered a devoted following of brown-eyed middle Americans by bragging that he and his family had retained their inherited wealth through various criminal or otherwise corrupt activities often aimed at grifting small sums from the very middle Americans who grew to love him. His argument that "as a thief he would be uniquely qualified to recognize thievery in government" made something like sense.

Finister III won the debates by making fart sounds whenever his opponents spoke and sneaking up behind them to paste "kick me" stickers on their backs.

He went on to win the general election by constantly reinforcing in his followers what they already had been taught by the people with good hair on the screens  - blue eye bad, brown eye good.

Shortly after being elected, Finister III and his son Finister IV were accused of selling the Liberty Bell to a group of Kazakhstani oligarchs who intended to use it in a theme park being built in their home country. When accused by members of the resistance of being a traitorous crook he used the time honored schoolboy defense "I know you are but what about me?"

When videos were released of the two Fins taking a bag of money from the Kazakhs shortly before helping them load the bell into a Dodge Ram XXII pickup truck - Fin asked, "Are you going to believe me or your lying eyes?" Many chose him.

In addition to the Liberty Bell affair there were 957 other documented cases of Fin's misdeeds ranging from shooting guys on Fifth,  Sixth  and Seventh Avenue, to public endangerment - for using a can of hairspray as a flame thrower to ward off members of the fake news.

None of that mattered though. Fin early on in his administration had set the bar for defining a successful President quite low.

As long as there was "no proof I have eaten another human being", he told the Middle Americans - "you may consider Finister Alcot III the greatest President ever".

He and the billionaire talking heads on the Fin News Network answered every accusation of wrongdoing with responses like, "No Cannabilism!", "I Never Cannabilized Any Human",  "You're the Cannibal".

Some people thought they remembered a time before America split into pieces where leaders were held to a higher standard but that feeling didn't last long.

The Fin News Network now controlled public perception of current, past and future events. FNN broadcast 24/7 using drones equipped with loudspeakers and virtual reality projectors showing Fin riding a dragon in battle against the blue-eyes. The drones were programmed to enter the homes of anyone who might be exhibiting some unsanctioned memories and stay with them until those memories were erased.

In addition to the drones, and virtual reality dragons, Finister Alcot III pioneered another device that was used to ensure "*leaders" of the brown eyed party were always sufficiently obsequious to the great and mighty Fin. The device was known as the BandomaticTM. It was modeled after a manual device used by people who raised sheep in the 20th century.

The original device was a rubber band placed around the sheep's scrotum which eventually resulted in the sheep's testicles falling off. Fin III automated that device and was able to remotely control the amount of pressure it exerted. He then had it attached to every politician in his party (they were all males fyi). When people heard these politicians talk about how great Fin III had been for middle America they wondered why they spoke in high voices as if in pain. Little did they know that Fin was in the process of removing the testicles of these gutless wonders via the BandomaticTM as they spoke.

And that my friend is how in the future not being a cannibal became the threshold for being a great - many people are saying the greatest - President ever.


*The term "leaders" in the later half of the 21st century was primarily used to describe politicians, and sometimes talking hairdos on screens, who had enough theatrical skills to fool the gullible and those who want to believe - but without sufficient acting skills to be in traditional theatre. This is why we sometimes hear critics refer to politicians and talking hairdos as "bad actors."

Are we better than this?